I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
