Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
