ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
