I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My ass is underappreciated
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
