mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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