if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
