yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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