my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
