It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
