We're like a lot better than the average bears
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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