I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
