Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
