Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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