hotel room ftw
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
