guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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