So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
