I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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