Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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