wakey wakey hands off snakey
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
