He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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