I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
