yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
