im six kinds of drunk right now
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
