sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
