the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
