I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
