After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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