can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
my liver is dry heaving
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
