do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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