I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
