So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
