There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
