Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just tell him i said nine months
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize