I didn't shave. On purpose
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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