im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
