Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
