Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
