It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
