tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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