No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
