On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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