I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I need a burrito and a hug.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
