overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
