I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
