So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
