when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
