apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
