I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
