the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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