haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
