$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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