i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
