Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
