Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
