Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
