i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
