well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
