life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
