The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
