Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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