We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
